Updated: Jan 14, 2019
"The world says "love for the purpose of self" but the gospel says, "love at the expense of self." The world says, "what can I gain from you?" but the gospel says, "what can I give to you?" The world pursues love for the fulfillment of self, and is left empty. The gospel pursues love at the expense of self and is made full."
I love the feeling of being able to walk away from a person, place, or thing, no strings attached. The moment I become even slightly unhappy in a situation my first immediate thought is "remove yourself from this equation." It's a quick easy fix and it usually means I can walk away from anything completely unscathed. Walking away is my version of a security blanket. It's my personal way of keeping myself safe and protected... At least that's what I have told myself all these years. It has become my clutch, but a clutch that is slowly being shattered and I am so aware that it needs to be. However, it's an uncomfortable process to feel my security blanket being tugged away from me.
I have so many emotions running through me and every single emotion I feel wrestles with the fact that I need to remain. Everything in me feels trapped because I have trained every muscle in my body to run when situations don't 100% benefit me. Friends upset me and I want to be done with them. My husband annoys me and I want to be done with him too. My job becomes redundant and I want to hand in my two weeks notice. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I could live in this world all alone and be perfectly fine, but I know that is not the truth.
The truth is I need community. I need my friends. I need my husband. I need a job to sustain me. I simply cannot reject the very things that add value to my life. I need to remain. I need to stay and grow with the people I have chosen to live life along side me. Yes, they will disappoint me and vice versa, but love is a choice. Love endures past the moments that make me feel good and right through the moments that don't. Love endures past the moments that benefit me and right through the moments that take away from me. Love endures past the moments of pure excitement and right through the moments of utter boredom. Love endures past the moments of peace and right through the moments of chaos. The bottom line is love is not just about me and how I feel, but it's also about giving and sacrificing IN SPITE of the negatives.
So I am learning despite the discomfort of it all how to remain and grow with the people in my life. These are all just growing pains as we learn each other and learn how to love each other in the best way. The beauty about growth is that even though we may never arrive, we will get to a place where current battles will one day be a thing of the past. They will all be stories to tell about how we overcame and I for one cannot wait to get to a point where I can tell this story.