One day, two days, three days... Two weeks.
Two weeks. That's how long I have gone without seeking the face of God. That's how long I have gone without spending time in His presence. It started out completely unintentional. I went on my trip and I just never made the time. I wanted to do everything but pray, I just figured that when I got home I would get back into my regular routine of things. The longer I went without communication with Him was the farther & farther I fell from the standards I had set for myself and the standards God has for me.
Eventually it was time to go home and I couldn't bring myself to pray. I mean, I forgot about Him all this time so why go back when it's convenient for me? How hypocritical can I be? With these thoughts fluttering around in my mind I just chose to stay away, far away from God. I believed the lies I was telling myself when I said God wouldn't want to hear from me because I have gone too far. Even though I felt this way I was subconsciously aware & mindful of God's love for me. Ever present. Ever constant. Just waiting for me to come back home. I was mindful that if I kept this up that I would end up miserable, broken & back in the same mess He pulled me from just 3 years ago.
I am reminded of the ocean...
When I was on the cruise a couple weeks back one of my favourite things to do was head out to the balcony & just stare at the ocean. I would recline my chair and just picture myself floating in it. The width and the depth of the ocean reminded me so much of God's love because as far as I could see there was only water. I couldn't see anything else but water & if I fell into it I would be completely consumed. God's love to me is so consuming, so powerful & unable to be matched and measured.
This morning I woke up feeling a renewed sense of determination. I woke up reminding myself that home is where God is. Why ever stray from such a life changing love? An all encompassing love that drowns out my fears, my worries, my anxiousness and so much more. A perfect love that makes me whole, a love that washes me clean. I am ready to return back to that love & do what my heart knows to be true-- swimming in the ocean of God's unmerited grace.
(25) Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
(26) My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever.
(27) Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
(28) But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.