Yesterday I found myself completely overwhelmed with being a mother and being a wife. I struggle with the idea sometimes that I will never be able to be who God created me to be in any of these roles.
Some days I feel like I'm not cut out to be a mother. In the last 2 months motherhood has made me realize just how selfish I really am. I wish I was more joyous at the thought of catering to everything my sweet baby needs, but some days I'm just not excited about it at all. Often times, I I find that I'm really tired and I simply wish I could get a full night's sleep, I wish Shiloh would take longer naps so I could get more done, and to be honest I sometimes wish I waited a little longer to bring him into this world. I wonder if I waited then maybe I would be more mentally prepared for the sleep deprivation, and the complete selflessness that motherhood requires. My selfishness has never been more apparent to me and for that reason I find it so hard for me to be the mother God created me to be.
Some days I feel like I'm not cut out to be a wife. In the last year being a wife has made me realize just how selfish I really am. I wish I was more joyous at the thought of being more forgiving, letting go of past wrongs, and letting go of resentment, but most days I would rather sit in my bitterness rather than move forward and be positive about the days to come. Somedays I'm really frustrated and I just wish I could be alone not because I have a terrible husband, but because being alone is easier than the selflessness that marriage requires. My selfishness has never been more apparent to me and for that reason I find it so hard for me to be the wife God created me to be.
Now, the truth is in both of these areas this is how I really feel, but I know that my feelings cannot be where it ends. I also know that in my own strength I truly am not able to be who God created me to be as a wife, and as a mother. I cannot do any of this without Him. If I was Mrs. Perfect then would I really need Him? The beauty in all of this is God uses people like me. He loves to make masterpieces out of messes and use people that do not feel adequate and good enough just so He can display HIS strength. I found it so hard to admit to myself yesterday that being a good mom, and being a good wife seem like impossible tasks from my point of view, but after admitting this to myself I somehow feel more encouraged because now I can hand the reigns over to Him. I can finally stop trying to do it all myself because I will fail every single time. Now, I can finally step aside and let the God who created the universe create something out of me.
(22) It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
(23) They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
(24) The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
I am grateful that despite how I may be feeling that I will never be consumed by it all. His mercies towards me are new every morning and because of that my hope is in Him.